Lifestyle Choices

All right indeed — the perfect proposition, asking her nicely, but allowing her to say no. The DF hero is appealing in other ways, too. He’s prepared to take the risk of a refusal, which the eggshell egos of so many men won’t tolerate. But best of all he cares, he really cares. This is the theme of a characteristic bitter-sweet moment from Reflex:

`A great day,’ Clare said, smiling over the coffee. ‘Where’s the nearest train?’

`Swindon. I’ll drive you there . . . or you could stay.’ She regarded me levelly. ‘Is that the sort of invitation I think it is?’

`I wouldn’t be surprised.’ (more…)

But the mother and father of all the propositions in this vein is the number that rattled the candlesticks on every piano in the land during the Victorian period. ‘Come into the garden, Maud’, bearded baritones would warble passionately to bosomy beauties, ‘For the black bat, Night, has flown’:

Come into the garden, Maud, I am here — at the gate — alone!

Who says the Victorians were repressed? It’s a myth. This luscious lyric is positively aquiver with sensuality. The author, Tennyson, claimed to suffer from depression, a claim disputed by his elder brother: ‘I am the most melancholy of the Tennysons’, he would say reprovingly. But that could only have been when he wasn’t cheering himself up by thinking about a bit of the other, in Les Dawsonese. For the poem swells to a climax rioting with the most colourful version of masculine sexual ecstasy that any chap could be privileged to enjoy: (more…)

‘You do love me?

‘I really love you. I’m crazy about you. Come on, please.’

‘You really love me?’

‘Don’t keep saying that. Come on. Please, please, Catherine.’

‘You can’t. You shouldn’t —’

‘Come on. Don’t talk. Please come on.’

The seduction may be a thing of the past. But the thing itself lingers on. The present is usually bursting with one damn thing after another, whichever way a woman turns. Or rather, with the same damn thing over and over, as Edna Ferber once said. So if a girl’s going to be propositioned up hill and down dale, she should expect it to be a thing of beauty, if not a joy for ever. (more…)

Scientists have also discovered the next defective gene to contribute to an increase in breast cancer susceptibility, which they naturally called BRCA-2. The incidence of BRCA-2 appears to be slightly less than BRCA-1. BRCA-2 is autosomal dominant also and resides on the thirteenth chromosome. Initially, it was believed that the presence of the BRCA-2 gene defect did not appear to increase risk for ovarian cancer. (more…)

Given these changes, sex may become impossible when you are under certain stresses that relate to past sexual abuse, such as being in the place where the abuse occurred, having contact with the offender, encountering problems in an intimate relationship, or feeling exploited in a work situation. Be .aware you will have times like this: Don’t be surprised when they occur. Reduce pressure. These times are inevitable and temporary. To help you through them, rely on the skills you learned for creating safety and moving forward in small steps. (more…)

Sexual healing brings changes in how you experience sex that may take some getting used to. Sex isn’t the same for you now as it was before you began healing. While many survivors feel happy about the differences, as with any major change in life, they often experience some disappointments and sadness as well.

Sexual healing can bring with it the loss of some things we enjoyed, even if they were bad for us. If we used to passively withdraw from sex, we may miss how easy it was to avoid sexual situations. It may seem a burden to have to tell a partner directly that we don’t want sex. Similarly, if we used to become overexcited by sex and engaged in it compulsively, we may miss the “high” we used to get. (more…)

As a result of sexual healing, each survivor creates a comfort zone for sexual activity. Within this zone certain behaviors feel okay, while others do not. A survivor might feel fine having sexual relations, but only under the condition that sexual contact is made in the same position every time. Another survivor might feel comfortable with fingers touching genitals but not want oral sex at all.

While establishing limits to sexual behavior and activity is crucial to being able to sexually heal, as time goes on survivors often feel limited by their own restrictions. Then the task becomes one of expanding the outer limits of the comfort zone to make room for new experiences. (more…)

GARBO: . . . Wait, wait . . . what’s the hurry? Let us be happy . . . give us our moment … we are happy, aren’t we, Leon?

LEON: (adoringly) Yes, sweetheart. (He folds her in his arms)

GARBO: So happy .. .

WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ — ‘YES!’ In this simple question and answer lies the highest expression of human love. This is the moment when the deepest feelings are declared, and lovers claim their full rights in one another. It’s the moment when you roll up the map of your future and send it back to be redrawn, the moment of piercing joy when you know that your dearest friend wants to go forward with you and be at your side always. (more…)

Recently I received a call’ rom Marla, a former client whom I had last seen for sex therapy with her husband, Rhett, two years before. Marla had been sexually abused by her father and had suffered sexual problems in her marriage as a result. On the phone Marla said she was feeling depressed and needed to come back into counseling again. I wondered what was causing her problems. My last contact with her had been several months ago on the phone when she told me things were going well, she and Rhett were having sexual relations about once a week, she enjoyed the experiences and had even felt strong urges that led to her initiating sex with Rhett on several occasions. (more…)

Most people who are plump are jolly and good natured. They are pleasant and easy going and not at all hard to get along with—until perhaps they take it into their heads to begin to reduce! Most of them are full of alibis and reasons for their extra weight. Except in rare cases there is only one reason why any of them are plump and well padded. They just love to eat! (more…)

This is the most important step of all, for no house can be a real home unless those who live there hold ideals that are kind, noble, and good. Without high ideals it is easy for even the best of homes to drift apart. There must always be some things that will hold the family together, such as family worship, in which all the members may share. These happy occasions are not likely to come by accident but must be carefully planned by the parents. (more…)

Who Starts the Quarrels?

How do most family quarrels start? This, of course, is hard to say, for usually there is no single cause. Often there is some underlying discontent, particularly on the part of the wife. Marriage has changed her lot completely, while her husband may be carrying on the same work that has occupied his time for years. He may prefer to continue his routine uninterrupted, while she will want plenty of variety. She may then assume that he does not love her. This may be true in some instances, but not in most. In any case she may begin to feel rather neglected. She wants more attention. A brisk family contention may seem a rather rough way to bring this about, but it usually attracts the attention she craves—sometimes much more! Most men will take just so much, then there may be trouble, perhaps even physical violence. The sensible thing to do is prevent such episodes before they reach the place where there seems to be no turning back. (more…)

Marriage is a merger of two different individuals. These differences are perfectly natural, some of them arising from powerful substances produced in the human body. The presence of these chemicals brings on profound changes in form and behavior, especially in the female, while in the male there may be little change from day to day. The woman is never quite the same from one day to the next. Every month she passes through what is known as her menstrual cycle. This is brought about by the ebb and flow of the chemical hormones in her blood stream. This results in a wide variation of feelings toward herself, her husband, and those around her. (more…)

It’s common for the boy to try again, right away or later. He hopes that the girl was just pretending to be reluctant, so as not to seem too easy. He thinks she is perhaps wanting and expecting him to persist and that she will look down on him as a mouse if he doesn‘t. Her cue is to be as definite at the second try as she was at the first. But she can still be friendly, as if appreciating his attention.

Another common manoeuvre of the male is to begin arguing : ‘But you said you liked me…. What’s the harm?… Don’t you have any feelings? … Isn’t it abnormal not to want to? … All the other girls do…. I don’t want to date a person who doesn‘t like this side of me…. A boy has strong instincts that have to be satisfied….’ There are thousands of arguments that have been used since (more…)

Roughly speaking, there are two kinds of dates, at least from a boy’s point of view. In one he feels drawn to a girl primarily by her physical attractiveness (which includes a certain seductiveness of personality) and will go as far as he has the boldness to try or as the girl will permit. In the other he is attracted by a girl’s whole personality, including her physical appeal, and wants to know her better; somewhere in the front or back of his mind is the thought that this might possibly turn out to be the exciting relationship of his life.

In a girl’s feelings also there are the two kinds of dates. But there is lots of evidence that a girl doesn’t distinguish so sharply and calculatingly as a boy; she tends to hope that any kind of dating relationship will turn into true love. (more…)

A great many of my patients do not really know what stress actually is. They think that it’s an outside force causing them to feel tense. But that’s not stress — that’s a stressor. Stress is a person’s negative reaction to a stressor.

For the most part, people have a negative reaction to stressors when they feel that their stressors are greater than their ability to deal with them. When they feel like this, they see their stressors as threats. On the other hand, if they think they can handle their stressors, they usually see them as challenges and generally enjoy grappling with them.

If you now feel as if your life is full of threats, instead of challenges, you are experiencing stress. If your degree of stress is severe, it’s going to be quite difficult for you to live a balanced, healthy lifestyle free from compulsion, including the compulsion to overeat. (more…)

Most people who are plump are jolly and good natured. They are pleasant and easy going and not at all hard to get along with—until perhaps they take it into their heads to begin to reduce! Most of them are full of alibis and reasons for their extra weight. Except in rare cases there is only one reason why any of them are plump and well padded. They just love to eat!

“What’s the use?” they wail. “Everything I eat turns to fat. I just can’t lose weight.” This is probably true, partly because of the way they are going about it.

Going on a reducing diet is no new experience for most of these people. Usually they have tried all kinds of diets, liberal and otherwise. For a time they succeed, but in the end they often find themselves back at the same old level, far above the average for their height and age. Sometimes they are the butt of unfortunate jokes among their friends. In desperation they determine once and for all to lose weight. They are invariably in a hurry to do this. Some abandon food altogether for a time, only to return to their former eating habits with a vengeance and perhaps add a few more pounds. This is not a sensible way to lose weight. (more…)

Which is the stronger sex? That depends on what we mean by strength. If we refer to the ability to survive, there is no doubt that women have most of the advantages. Today they are outliving their husbands by six, eight, and ten years or more. This is true all over the world.

Ever since childbirth infections have been brought under control, the picture has been changing in favor of the women. It would seem that the ladies have more flexibility in their systems. They have more stamina. Their biological resources are greater than those of the men.

This difference begins very early in life, perhaps before the child is born. This is probably nature’s way of preserving the race. Nowhere is the female superiority more clearly in evidence than in pregnancy. A woman at that time seems to have special reserves of strength. Not only must her heart and lungs care for her own needs, but also for those of her baby. Every organ in her body is geared to work that much more efficiently. Later in life those same female hormones apparently protect her from degenerative diseases which are so much more likely to cripple her husband. (more…)

I’ve read a lot about women who serenely cope with the three roles of full-time working woman, wife, and mother. However, I’ve never actually met one. All the ones that I know feel inadequate.

Going back to work after having children is a practical and emotional problem and both are interdependent. You risk worrying about them when you’re at work and about work when you’re at home, and end up being happy in neither situation.

Two requisites for a working mother are stamina and an understanding family Sympathetic they may be until it comes to your interests versus theirs, but they still want their evening meal on time and they don’t want to hear about the bus queue which made you late. (more…)

THE DRAWER WITH THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING and what to put in it

Filing is a word that makes most women look mutinous, but it’s not only a good idea, but in home emergencies absolutely essential. Don’t be frightened by the idea of filing. The verb only means putting things in a sensible place where you can find them quickly and easily. Four years of my filing fit into a suitcase.

Know your limitations and don’t plan a filing system that is better than you are, as you won’t stick to it and you will find that even more depressing than doing it.

What follows sounds amazingly neat and tidy, but it isn’t. Most of my key work seems to be on the front of old envelopes (backs already used for key work). If I stopped to type or write them out they would never get done; it’s easier to shove any old scrap of paper into its correct place in the system than to have it lying around. (more…)