Lifestyle Choices

For a child, a parent is an all-powerful figure. The baby is completely dependent on this huge person for physical care (food, cleaning and physical warmth) and emotional care (stimulation, sensitivity and emotional warmth). As a baby it is often very frustrating to be in such a dependent position, especially when you cannot make yourself understood. Theproblem comes when you express frustration, anger or hostility and your parent cannot handle it. A parent that can handle it reacts with warmth, even if it is a warm anger followed some time later by more gentle warmth. But if a parent has difficulty with the baby’s aggression, the baby knows it. (more…)

One of the most important things to a child is parental warmth and continuity. In his studies on children Bowlby, a British child psychiatrist, showed how a stable relationship with the parents created a feeling of security and a stable base from which to explore. A threat of loss of this security caused anger or fear, while actual loss of a parent or main care-giver caused a loss of interest if the child did not believe that the parent was coming back. Studies on institutions where children are kept with inadequate and inconsistent care show a distinct change in the behaviour of children in the second six months of their lives. Continual crying becomes replaced byan eventual indifference to adults, and a baby would “lie or sit with wide open, expressionless eyes, frozen, immobile face and a far away expression as if in a daze”. Such babies did not babble or coo and felt stiff and wooden when picked up. (more…)

It is easy to become accustomed to a certain way of living, so much so that sometimes you forget that you actually do havethe freedom to change it. You don’t have to eat three meals a day, watch television in the evenings or stay all day at home with the children. You don’t have to live with your mother- in-law, your parents or even your spouse. It is your life and you have the freedom to choose how you want to live. This may seem obvious, but it is sometimes difficult to act on your freedom because:

• You are too depressed to act. Sometimes it is a good idea to wait for the slightest upswing in your mood and then act, make yourself act.

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Changing more basic attitudes, or learning to live with pleasure with the characteristics that we have, usually takes a long time, sometimes a life time. Often those who undertake long-term explorative psychotherapy (L.T.E.P.) want to “grow” — searching to find the best of themselves and to be in “gold”. But L.T.E.P. can also be used for more severe mental symptoms (for example, recurrent black depression) in an attempt to help somebody “grow-up again” with a different “parent” (the therapist). All the ideas and approaches discussed in Psychotherapeutic approachescan be used. (more…)

Once you suspect that you may be pregnant because you have missed your period, testing can be done by your doctor with a urine or blood test or you can use a home pregnancy test kit available from most pharmacies. But please note that this should be done after your first missed period and even then you may occasionally still find that the test is negative. This will need to be followed up a few days later. Other early signs of pregnancy include breast tenderness, darkening of your nipples and areolae, and the formation of little bumps around your nipples that are called Montgomery’s tubercles. You will also probably feel nauseous and fatigued. (more…)

`My mother-in-law crashed the car and I got a call about it at work, in the middle of an important meeting. I dropped everything and rushed home.’

Catherine, 39, senior secretary

`Louis being sick in our gift shop in front of two customers. Louis hiding my car keys in afiling cabinet while my back was turned, so I had to beg for a lift home and spent the whole day the next day searching for them.’

Angela, 35, buyer (for a charity)

`Having a serious business meeting while my two-year-old son had a tantrum with his father outside the office door— terrible!’
Ann, 41, chartered accountant

`I am about to embark upon it: my mother-in-law (chief helper) is about to go into hospital for two new knee replacements. The following month my senior therapist goes on holiday for three weeks and one of my junior therapists is leaving and as yet I have not found a suitable replacement. My salon is open 9 am to 9 pm seven days a week and I will be on my own.’

Wendy, 36, beauty therapist

‘Between childminders I had to bring my two-month-old baby in to work with me. It was a nightmare. I even changed her nappy on the conference room table and she had to attend a

meeting with Me. NEVEPR/ma

Jane, 35, rketing manager

`Coping with the trauma of divorce and having to continue to work, as well as bringing up as child.’

Lesley, 4o, photogpher/book-keeper

`Having to try to get home when there wasn’t a train for five hours. When I told my boss, and bearing in mind that it was the first time this had happened in five years, all he said was: “What are you going to do about making up the lost time?” I was fuming. Luckily, another colleague drove me l00 miles to the next station, and I’d already put in more than sufficient hours at that stage’ (more…)

`It’s vastly different. My sister “had to marry”, became a single parent, re-married and has never had the holidays abroad, business lunches etc. that I enjoy. She does, however, have an enviable relationship with her daughters.’

Dianne, 4o, civil servant

`My sister can’t have children and has retired early from the police force. She is 39 years old and now has an active life and doesn’t regret a thing. I envy her sometimes. My 35-year-old brother has five children. His wife childminds and at times they find it hard.’

Susan, 37, WP operator/clerk

`My sister and two sister-in-laws stay at home with their children. Sometimes I think they are envious because my life doesn’t revolve totally around the children‘

Mary, 56, customer services manager (more…)

`Children need more than your presence’

Like it or not, money talks. No, it shouts at most of us. If we are suddenly short of funds, it dictates where we can live, which jobs to accept, which schools our children will attend and, unless an often costly agreement is struck with money’s flexible plastic friend, it also stops us flying off for a well-earned break in the sunshine. It also causes more arguments in a relationship than children or work problems. When we’ve got it, however, almost anything is possible.

Just under one fifth of the women to whom I spoke, though, said that all their money went on childcare and bills, with a further 28 per cent saying that nearly all their money was swallowed up that way. Greater flexibility was achieved by nearly a quarter who pool salaries with their partner. (more…)

`Mostly I cope very well, but about twice a year I have “panic attacks”.’

Lesley, 4o, photographer/book-keeper

`I can’t cope with too much chaos. The answer, I think, is to
delegate. My husband is cooperative when it involves childcare.’
Judy, 37, lecturer/musician

`I enjoy being pulled in all directions because the time flies past. No two days are the same. It’s challenging and interesting’

Claire, 34, marketing consultant

`By being prepared to compromise, by not being a perfectionist, by learning to know what must be done now and what can wait’

Catherine, 39, senior secretary

`By giving myself the right to do things for me. If I believe that, the rest of the family does. When I need time, it’s accepted that I should take it.’

Jean, 44, senior probation officer

`I become resentful. I also get stressed and on those days I feelI’m always late’

Pauline, 39, teacher

`I hate being pulled in all directions. You have to take time out to think about what is going on’

Margaret, 23, part-time bank official/fitness instructor

`I ended up off sick for IO weeks last summer with depression and emotional exhaustion.’

Heather, 31, specialist nurse (infection control)

`From time to time I scream and yell and have hysterics. Then I grit my teeth and get on with it.’

Francesca, 3r, horse breeder/business partner

`Perhaps having no partner means that I have sufficient mental energy to look after my child, myself, our home and also work

full time‘

`I have little time for myself, but the children are only young and so demanding for a short time. I plan to take up other hobbies when they are older.’

`I think I have sacrificed less personally, but as it contributed to my divorce, my son has to cope with a lot. However, now that I have graduated with a first-class degree, he sees me as something of a “role model”.’

Sheila, 31, guidance development assistant/part-time student

`I feel I’ve got everything, a great job, wonderful family, but often I am so tired I can hardly speak. I need another few hours in the day.’

Karen, 28, caterer

`I don’t have much time for myself, but am a 100 per cent better person for going out to work to when I stayed at home. Someone once said that children are a gift, and you should give up everything for them. They didn’t have children.’

Michele, 31, secretary (more…)

`I was the first of my friends to work full time with small children, and most of them seemed to think I was mad. However, now, one by one, all but a few seem to have returned to some form of work.’

Wendy, 36, beauty therapist

`No, they don’t, and I don’t think that they have any idea how hard it can be. They talk about a busy week when they have to fit in a haircut and a visit from the gas man!’

Sue, 36, deputy head teacher

`I think the ones who don’t work pity my situation and wouldn’t dare not be supportive, even if it’s not how they would raise their own kids.’

Jane, 35, public relations/marketing manager

`I sometimes feel guilty when I see their tidy homes, their home baking and the pictures etc. that have resulted from playing with their children and so on’

Joanna, 37, local government officer

`They do not make me feel guilty. They accept me as I am, and I accept them as they are. The world is made interesting by differences. And we all have our children’s welfare at heart.’ (more…)

`No, I think all women need to spend time doing and thinking about things unrelated to children. I appreciate that some women may not think this way, but Ifeel that you are a person in your own right, not just somebody’s mum.’

Jackie, 36, accounts clerk/estate agent

`If we win the Lottery perhaps. Yes, I could, especially when both boys are at school. I would like to do my own thing during school hours and be therefor them when they come home.’

Judy, 37, lecturer/musician

`I couldn‘t go back to being a full-time mother. I value my independence and love being in the working environment. I love dressing smartly and would not make so much effort if I did not work.’

Gillian, 48, accounts manager

`No, I need to work. Looking back, my mother didn’t and when we’d grown up, she had nothing.’

Pauline, 31, paediatric endocrine nurse specialist (more…)

`Yes. One of our children is hyperactive and the school said that

this could be because we’re working parents and the child goes to a minder.’

Alison, 37, senior registrar (obstetrics & gynaecology)

`My second husband criticized me for not being like his mother. Yet he put me in the position where I had to work, by not being able to support us to the level I expected at that time.’

Charlotte, so, probation officer

`My mother-in-law has criticized me: “It’s amazing the price the young are prepared to pay for the privilege of not having to look after their own offspring.”‘

Rona, 28, researcher for Executive Search Agency

`Husband’s grandmother, who thinks women these days are too quick to send their children to nurseries etc. so that they, selfishly, can work. She forgets that she had a nanny and did not even work’

Nicola, 29, antique furniture restorer

`One person (a woman older than me with no children) actually told me that she didn’t agree with working mums. I said if she paid my mortgage, I’d go home. 18 months later she had a baby and went straight back to work!’

Lynne, 33, student (more…)

`A friend with three children under four who works full time is my role model. She revels in the chaos and is pretty relaxed about life. I strive for her outlook!’

Gillian, 35, systems training designer

`My role model is Mary Robinson — President of Ireland: an extremely qualified career woman with a very happy family life‘

`My role models for a balanced life are my friends who work and have supportive husbands who share in the household/childcare areas. They seem to be the happiest’

Patricia, 37, teaching assistant

`I don’t have role models. Friends who were role models have surprised me with marriage break-ups etc..’

Clare, 42, PA/secretary

`My role model is my perfectly balanced best friend of 35 years’ standing’

Lindsay, 39, supply teacher (more…)

`Male attitudes must change; men expect wives to take on a job, do the school runs, cook and clean etc. and still want sex at night. My ex-husband’s attitude was: “Well, you wanted to go back to work, so you can fit it in with all the other jobs.”‘

Raye, 49, PA

`I think things are getting more difficult for working mothers rather than easier, because there is an office culture now that says it’s not the quality of your work that matters, it’s the hours that you put in that counts. If you leave on time, you’re not seen as being committed to the organization. There is a huge drive within many organizations to reduce costs, so people are made redundant or not replaced and those that remain are expected to work harder and harder. This turns many people against returning to work after the birth of a first child. In many organizations good, skilled labour is in short supply. Where I work we need good, skilled nurses. So, I really feel that we have no choice. We have to be considerate to people’s family needs and value people’s lives outside work or we will continue to lose good people.’

Annie, 42, NHS chief executive

`Our children rely on us to care for them, whether in paid employment or not. No one is perfect, but provided we manage to care for them, and love them, and they know it, I cannot see that it makes one iota of difference whether women work or not. After all, many fathers are loved, needed, and play a part in family life while they work.’

Margaret, 47, senior medical laboratory scientific officer

The Government should do its duty and make available proper childcare facilities. Women are a vital part of our working community and should not have to choose between motherhood

and careers.’

Susan, 27, insurance clerk (more…)

`Children who washed, dressed and fed themselves!’ Karen, 35, video editor/student `Cheaper or subsidized childcare. I do a 40-hour week and after nursery fees I contribute £55 into our account. If I was single what would the options be? It’s criminal that I would be better off not working‘

Sarah, 25, general manager of retail/mail-order leisurewear company

`Being able to complete my book-keeping studies and become self-employed’

Caroline, 35, manager of a take-away

`A secretary at home’

Lesley, 41, publisher

`More support from my husband. Even though it is now an accepted part of modern society, I still believe that when a wife and mother goes out to work, she then has two jobs, while her husband/partner has one. How many men ever wonder,

`The only thing that would make our life easier as working parents would be the kids being able to drive. We have become permanent taxis, and living six miles from town on bus routes that are adequate during the day and non-existent at night adds an annoying complication to our life.’ (more…)

`Mummy, Sally’s got a huge tummy, hasn’t she?’ Natalie observed, inches away from the aforementioned bulge, which looked even bigger than normal encased in a puce pink floral minidress.

`Yes, Natalie, she’s got a little baby in there,’ I said, relieved that Sally was pregnant and not just fat like the woman on the bus that Natalie had been staring at so fixedly the day before.

`The baby’ll be coming out soon, won’t he, Mummy, and we can see him then?’

`Yes, we will. Do you remember we talked about how your friend Amy will be a sister once the baby’s been born?’

Long silence. …

`I haven’t got a sister though, Mummy,’ she said, sadly pulling at the hem of her dress, ‘have I?’

Oh-oh, dodgy ground. Warning signs started flashing furiously before my eyes.

`I haven’t got a brother either, have I?’

`No . .’ I hesitated, wondering what was the easiest way of getting out of this one.

`Never mind, Mummy,’ she said, snuggling up close, suddenly happy again in the lightning way that only under-fives can manage, ‘we’ve got each other.’ (more…)

`If I am ill, I keep working unless I’m dying (not literally). I have an excellent family who would help me if Charlotte was ill. The nursery has plenty of staff so I never have to worry. If any of them are ill, they have cover.’

Karen, 28, caterer

Feel as the company is paying me to work seven hours a day for so many days in the year, that it is up to me to be there, unless I am genuinely ill; I take any other time off as holidays, or possibly unpaid. It is not the company’s responsibility that I have a child, although I would expect them to show compassion in a real emergency, as I hope they would if it was a partner or parent who was ill.’

Audrey, 41, admin supervisor

I always have a back-up organized. I have never needed to take time off because of child illness.’

Sue, 35, training manager

`If I’m ill, I struggle to cook and look after Emma as usual I save annual leave for when Emma or my carer is ill, and use flexitime or other help.’

Maria, 33, accountant (more…)

`I feel guilty if my house has not been hoovered from top to bottom twice a week. If my house is a mess, I am a mess and that upsets me.’

Joy, 4i, general assistant business proprietor/care assistant

`I worry all the time that I am doing neither job (parenting/paid work) well, although I’m told the opposite.’

Jackie, 36, accounts clerk/estate agent

`Yes, I did feel guilty when I worked part time. I was not really satisfied with any task, whether at home or at work. Now my day at work is rewarding and I am less tired than when I worked 9.3o am to 3 pm, when I never seemed to be in the right place at the right time!’ (more…)

As the stresses and strains of the modern lifestyle take their toll, we become more and more aware of the healing power of human touch. Human beings love to be touched. We crave it and relish it. Sadly, the art of touching is used less frequently these days, and it is often associated with negative behaviour and sexual issues or seen as a true indulgence that only few can afford. It doesn’t have to mean any of these things. Touch is both subtle and powerful if treated with respect. (more…)