Lifestyle Choices

Some survivors have the opposite problem: orgasms that come too quickly. A survivor may have found a quick orgasm helped in coping with stimulation, tension, or painful emotion felt during abuse. Also, sometimes the abuser left the child alone after orgasm; orgasm was a way to end the abuse more quickly.

As a result of past associations, sexual touch may trigger an early climax. A current situation may remind a survivor of the abuse in some ways. A survivor may feel caught in an intense buildup of anxiety and fear that erupts suddenly in an orgasm, as this survivor experienced: (more…)

Given these changes, sex may become impossible when you are under certain stresses that relate to past sexual abuse, such as being in the place where the abuse occurred, having contact with the offender, encountering problems in an intimate relationship, or feeling exploited in a work situation. Be .aware you will have times like this: Don’t be surprised when they occur. Reduce pressure. These times are inevitable and temporary. To help you through them, rely on the skills you learned for creating safety and moving forward in small steps. (more…)

As a result of sexual healing, each survivor creates a comfort zone for sexual activity. Within this zone certain behaviors feel okay, while others do not. A survivor might feel fine having sexual relations, but only under the condition that sexual contact is made in the same position every time. Another survivor might feel comfortable with fingers touching genitals but not want oral sex at all.

While establishing limits to sexual behavior and activity is crucial to being able to sexually heal, as time goes on survivors often feel limited by their own restrictions. Then the task becomes one of expanding the outer limits of the comfort zone to make room for new experiences. (more…)

Recently I received a call’ rom Marla, a former client whom I had last seen for sex therapy with her husband, Rhett, two years before. Marla had been sexually abused by her father and had suffered sexual problems in her marriage as a result. On the phone Marla said she was feeling depressed and needed to come back into counseling again. I wondered what was causing her problems. My last contact with her had been several months ago on the phone when she told me things were going well, she and Rhett were having sexual relations about once a week, she enjoyed the experiences and had even felt strong urges that led to her initiating sex with Rhett on several occasions. (more…)