Lifestyle Choices

As a result of sexual healing, each survivor creates a comfort zone for sexual activity. Within this zone certain behaviors feel okay, while others do not. A survivor might feel fine having sexual relations, but only under the condition that sexual contact is made in the same position every time. Another survivor might feel comfortable with fingers touching genitals but not want oral sex at all.

While establishing limits to sexual behavior and activity is crucial to being able to sexually heal, as time goes on survivors often feel limited by their own restrictions. Then the task becomes one of expanding the outer limits of the comfort zone to make room for new experiences.

Maureen, a survivor who used to withdraw from sex, wanted to know what it would be like to have sexual yearnings and feel “horny” toward her husband.

I want to reach the point when I want sex as much as my husband does. I’d like to be able to say to him, “Honey, I want to make love to you right now,” rather than, “I think I can, we’ll see how it goes.”

The range of sexual possibilities is infinite. There are many kinds of sexual activities and many ways of doing them.¹ Lovemaking can be playful, passionate, intense, or spiritual. When we stick within a certain range of activities, our sexual life may start to feel predictable and boring, eventually limiting our sexual pleasure and sense of aliveness. Comedian Woody Allen said, “Sex is like having dinner: Sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.” It’s good to know we can be open to having many different types of sexual “dinners.”

How do you expand your sexual comfort zone? You can trust the progress you’ve already made and slowly challenge yourself to take some new risks. Remember all the skills for staying relaxed and aware: stopping when needed, creating steps to bridge from one experience to another, and communicating your feelings and needs with a partner. These can all be used to conquer new areas in sexual enrichment.

Consider a new sexual experience you might want to explore. Make sure that it would not be harmful or abusive to you in any way. Sexual behaviors associated with sexual abuse, such as dominant- submissive relationships and physically dangerous activities, must always remain off-limits.

Ask yourself: Is there anything I need to learn about this sexual activity before I do it? What are my worst fears about this activity? What do I need to do to ensure this activity will go well?

Katheryn had always been afraid of having sex in a position where she sat up, straddling and facing her partner. She realized that this fear stemmed from past abuse, when her uncle would force her onto his lap and fondle her. She talked with her current partner, Jeff, about exploring new positions gradually. To expand her comfort zone, Katheryn decided to create bridges between touch activities with which she already felt comfortable and the woman-on-top position during sex.

To begin making changes, she and Jeff used the hand-clapping exercise they had already learned during their healing work on relearning touch. They went through the exercise several times, making changes with each variation: first with both partners fully clothed, sitting on the floor; then sitting on the bed; then with clothes off, sitting on the bed; then in the woman-ontop position with clothes on; and finally in the woman-on-top position with clothes off. During the exercises Katheryn and Jeff would stop, rest, and talk whenever she felt anxious or ready to stop.

Katheryn enjoyed the exercise and associated it with fun, pleasure, and playful contact with Jeff. Her ability to relax and be comfortable with Jeff in the exercises gave her a bridge for transferring these good feelings into the sexual position. Surprisingly for Katheryn, this new position has become one of her favorites. “The only problem now,” jokes Katheryn, “is that Jeff and I keep wanting to clap when we’re done!”

Brad, a survivor of childhood molestation, wanted to explore the area of spiritual sexuality. Now that he was comfortable with his sexual functioning and was feeling good about his relationship with his partner, he wanted to see how sex could express a connection with life and nature. First he realized he needed to learn more. He found a book about spiritual sexuality at a local bookstore that specialized in personal growth and psychology books. In his readings he discovered an activity he wanted to try with his partner. The activity involved intercourse with little or gentle thrusting, slow breathing, and focusing mentally on how deeply united they were at that moment. Brad had concerns that his partner, Emily, wouldn’t want to do the activity or would find it silly. To ensure that the activity would go well, he first discussed it with Emily and made sure she was interested in trying it. They agreed to try it for a few minutes as part of regular lovemaking. Although it was awkward at first, Brad and Emily did the exercise and agreed to try it a little longer the next time they made love. Months later Brad said, “My enjoyment of sex has grown beyond the physical sense. It involves sharing in an intimate, spiritual way as well.”

Another way that survivors can improve sexual experiences, whether alone or with a partner, is by becoming more able to receive pleasurable sensations. As part of sexual healing, survivors are encouraged to direct a sexual experience and stay in charge. But you can learn to relax and let yourself be receptive to what is happening in the moment. This type of surrender to sensation is a skill you can learn, not a defeat or a loss of power. You increase your power by being able to receive more sensually. You learn to let go of muscle tightness that may be restraining and inhibiting sexual pleasure. To develop skills for this healthy* type of surrender, Stella Resnick, a Gestalt therapist who specializes in treating sexual problems, advises practicing the following exercise during the course of each day:

Stop for a few minutes: Close your eyes, inhale deeply, all the way to the top of your chest, and blow the air out in a complete exhale. Imagine that you are also blowing out any tension or unpleasant feelings you’ve picked up along the way. Then rotate your head a few times, stretch your neck, your arms, and back. Yawn and relax your jaw, and reconnect to your senses— scanning your environment slowly with your eyes, smelling the air, hearing distant sounds, feeling the objects that touch your skin, the tastes in your mouth.

Practicing little moments of surrender makes big surrenders easier. As resistance and angst diminish, softness and trust grow, as so too grow feelings of love and tenderness. When we surrender, we become more loving, and in the process, we end up showing more of what there is in us to love.²

I recommend first trying this sensual surrender exercise as part of the safe nest and safe embrace exercises. Eventually, you can use this skill of sensual surrender to help you let go of muscle tension, breathe fully, and feel more sensations during your sexual experiences.

The rewards of expanding sexual horizons make the efforts worthwhile, as this survivor explained:

Sex is good and fun. It’s never been like this for me before. I’m more open and expressive during sex. I laugh. I can be intense.

As survivors we can give ourselves permission to experiment and feel good with lots of different kinds of sexual experiences. “I’ve learned that feeling the pleasure of sex is nothing to be ashamed about,” a survivor said. “It’s okay to feel good and enjoy sex. In fact, I deserve to feel good.”

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