Lifestyle Choices

Recently I received a call’ rom Marla, a former client whom I had last seen for sex therapy with her husband, Rhett, two years before. Marla had been sexually abused by her father and had suffered sexual problems in her marriage as a result. On the phone Marla said she was feeling depressed and needed to come back into counseling again. I wondered what was causing her problems. My last contact with her had been several months ago on the phone when she told me things were going well, she and Rhett were having sexual relations about once a week, she enjoyed the experiences and had even felt strong urges that led to her initiating sex with Rhett on several occasions.

Sitting in my office, Marla explained what was troubling her now. The other night in bed Rhett had turned to her and asked, “So is this how it’s always going to be? Is our sex life going to be like this for the rest of our lives? Am I always going to have to wait until you say you want to have sex before I can touch you sexually? Will you always be the one controlling what we can and can’t do? I just want to know so I won’t expect something more than can really happen.”

His words hit hard. Marla was upset. “Why can’t Rhett be satisfied with all the positive changes I’ve made? We had such trouble with sex before. Isn’t it enough that I’m able now to be sexual and enjoy it?” As she talked out her feelings and her anger went down, Marla herself began to wonder about the limits of her sexual healing.

Marla could understand that Rhett felt as if his hands were tied. He wasn’t free to express his sexual urges and desires freely. Their sex life was out of balance and lacked spontaneity. Marla wanted to find ways to loosen her need for so much control and to allow Rhett more freedom to take the initiative sexually, without her sliding back into old feelings of fear and resentment.

This is a common dilemma couples may encounter in the final stages of sexual healing. Some of the things survivors do to ensure their safety and comfort—such as be the one to initiate and control all the sexual activity—inhibits and limits the partner. Partners may feel sexual encounters have become overcontrolled by the survivor.

The fact that partners begin to risk stating their needs more directly is a measure of the sexual healing progress that has taken place. A partner in a similar situation asked, “Can there ever be an unscripted sexual encounter?” And another partner said:

I’d like to be able to compliment my wife on her looks, flirt with her, and get into my sexual energy without her thinking I’m pressuring her to have sex.

In a long-term relationship, partners need room to express their sexual interests and energy, and to receive validation and support.

In counseling I asked Marla if she was able to express her limits and needs before and during sex. She said yes. Then I asked if she was confident that Rhett could stop what he was doing at any time if she asked him. Again yes. Assertiveness, trust, respect, and communication were well established. Marla realized that at this time perhaps her need for so much overt control of their sexual experiences was no longer necessary. Still it was frightening for her to consider loosening up.

For this next step in healing to work, the survivor and partner must agree that, at all times, the survivor’s needs for safety come first. The survivor does not “give up” control but rather feels the control is always present, on an underlying level. From this orientation, survivors can begin to challenge themselves to let the partner be freer in expressions of passion and sexual activities. Remember, you can stop at any time. Honest communication, respect, and emotional intimacy are still understood as more important than what goes on sexually.

Denise and Robert, another couple, invented a system for initiating sex that felt more balanced and was comfortable for both of them. They decided to take turns with initiating. Denise is responsible for initiating sex, then the next time it’s Robert’s turn. When an initiation is made, regardless of whether the other person accepts, it counts as a turn. As Denise explained:

Alternating like this helps me to feel safe and able to keep out of my “here he comes again” and “that’s all he ever wants” trap. Once Robert has initiated, I know that nothing will happen again unless I want it to. This arrangement gives me the opportunity to have proactive power over my own pleasure—I don’t get to have any fun unless I choose it. So I get to practice choosing to have pleasure. And it gives Robert a sense of having some control finally.

In our long abstinence period nobody initiated anything. In the relearning touch exercises, the process was still guided by my pace and comfort level. Now Robert also gets opportunities to express his desire.

As survivors challenge themselves to go along and explore sexual experiences that partners initiate, something wonderful can start to happen. You may find that you enjoy the new energy that your partner brings into the sexual experiences. Your partner may introduce you to something new that you like! And you may enjoy experiencing your partner feeling freer and more alive. “I’m learning to think of his sexual energy as his delight, not my obligation,” a survivor said.

Eventually, even with the conditions necessary for continued sexual healing, intimate relationships can feel more balanced and equal.

Sex is something my partner and I share when we both want to. We communicate now and take our time. We’re responsible and playful with each other. Sex is beautiful and fun.

As survivors feel more relaxed and confident during sex, they may find themselves enjoying sex in ways they never thought possible before.

Lately when my partner and I have sex, it feels like we’re creating a dance together. We touch each other gently and easily. We move to the same rhythm. Neither of us pulls back or presses forward for the next step. We stay in the moment with each other. I’m open to the whole experience. Since I’ve let go of fear, I’ve been able to feel more love for my partner during sex.

The Joys of Sexual Healing

It’s a wonderful feeling to overcome hurts from the past and to reclaim sexuality as good and healthy for ourselves. It’s amazing how flexible and resilient survivors can be. “Through all the fear, horror, and hard work, I’ve gained tremendous strength, hope, and serenity,” a survivor said.

Sexual healing may be painful, confusing, and challenging. It can take a long time. But the rewards make all the effort worth it.

It’s been an extremely difficult row to hoe. I may never “get it” fully. But my taste of real, true sexuality reminds me how worth it the struggle is. Sex is wonderful, exciting—a gift of the universe. Any of us would be foolish not to learn how to accept it, experience it, and appreciate it. As a survivor, I’ve been cheated from this gift most of my life, but I am changing that dynamic: I’ve taken control of my sexuality for myself.

As you move forward in your sexual healing, remember you are not traveling alone. A large and growing number of survivors and intimate partners of survivors are on this journey as well. Therapeutic and social support exists to help you. Together we all are learning to separate the pain and horror of sexual abuse from the pleasure and joy of healthy sexuality. Each of us along this path is creating our own new, individual meaning for sex, healthy and enjoyable enough to last the rest of our lifetimes.

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