Lifestyle Choices

 

Who Starts the Quarrels?

How do most family quarrels start? This, of course, is hard to say, for usually there is no single cause. Often there is some underlying discontent, particularly on the part of the wife. Marriage has changed her lot completely, while her husband may be carrying on the same work that has occupied his time for years. He may prefer to continue his routine uninterrupted, while she will want plenty of variety. She may then assume that he does not love her. This may be true in some instances, but not in most. In any case she may begin to feel rather neglected. She wants more attention. A brisk family contention may seem a rather rough way to bring this about, but it usually attracts the attention she craves—sometimes much more! Most men will take just so much, then there may be trouble, perhaps even physical violence. The sensible thing to do is prevent such episodes before they reach the place where there seems to be no turning back.

When differences arise, it is best to talk these things out together without any delay. Waiting only makes the problem seem bigger. Do not discuss these things with others unless the person you talk to is really in a position to advise you and give you good counsel. Usually it is best to leave your relatives out of the picture, for they are too close to see the problem in a fair light. If your feelings have been hurt, it will do you good to discuss the problem freely with your mate. Hurt feelings tend to build up resentments, which may lead to other serious conditions, including high blood pressure, stomach ulcers, and chronic skin conditions.

As soon as you realize that something is going wrong with your marriage, it is wise to start talking. Tell your husband or wife, frankly, just how you feel. Do it kindly, but be firm about it. There is always less danger when you bring the problem into the open, where you can both see it. If you keep it inside and say nothing, it might destroy your home. It is true that your marital partner might feel a little shocked at first, but if your marriage is based on a firm foundation of real love and affection, you will have little to fear. A frank talk will do both of you some good. Don’t keep brooding over slights and irritations that can and should be corrected. Talk them out. But be sure to avoid all tendency to anger and criticism, for these will only complicate the problem more. And having once talked over these problems, they should henceforth be forgotten. Constant harping on such problems will never solve them. It is good to talk things out, but it is equally important that one should learn to forgive and forget.

Perhaps before you do this you should ask yourself, “Is this little irritation worth making a fuss about?” If you do this, you will often have to admit that such things are not so important after all. It is always well to sit down and analyze your own attitudes, trying to see yourself as your marital partner sees you. Are you neglecting your appearance and letting yourself down in the eyes of those around you? Are you doing all you can to make your marriage a real success? Or are you holding onto some silly habit or mannerism that irritates other people and causes them to misunderstand you? Why not take a good look at yourself and correct some of those things that annoy others?

A wife can do much to help her husband, but she should realize that it is not wise to try to change his whole personality. Such an attempt may be entirely out of the question, proving disastrous to both. If, after considering his capabilities and aptitudes, a man prefers to be a baker, there is no sense in trying to make him president of the local bank. It is much more sensible for him to be the best baker in town, rather than to try to live up to his wife’s foolish ambitions. We all have our limitations, and it is well for us to recognize them instead of making foolish mistakes.

Whatever you do, don’t try to iron out all your difficulties while one or both of you are hungry. This is one sure way to get into trouble. If you have to discuss unpleasant things, it is wiser to eat first and then have a good rest if possible. This will make the discussion far less painful to you both. If there is any truth in the old saying that “a hungry man is an angry man,” you must choose your time wisely and be very tactful when your mate is hungry. This is one way that you can avoid serious trouble.

And while talking about food, remember, it is the man’s function to provide the food for his family and to protect his home and loved ones. At the same time it is the woman’s function to feed the family well and provide for their needs at home. When she is willing to do this, she will be far happier. Some women make the mistake of trying to do a man’s work and their own at the same time. There may be times when this is necessary, but it is foolish to try to outdo the man at his own job. Without a doubt it often leads to trouble in the home. A woman has been fitted by nature to care for her family at home. She will be far happier if she carries out her normal role in life.

A lady once came to me complaining of severe pains in the abdomen. Although she was a highly educated person and carried a degree in engineering from a large university, she was woefully ignorant of the most wonderful piece of engineering in the entire world—her own body. She was suffering from a serious digestive problem, resulting from a mixture of frustration and an unbalanced diet. She might have been much happier had she spent less time on some of her other education and devoted herself to understanding some of the simple laws of health. She had rejected her feminine role in life, and now she was neither one thing nor the other. She was deeply neurotic despite all her learning. No doubt she could have avoided much illness had she lived sensibly as a woman.

If there is constant friction in the home, it is usually best to seek some professional help. An experienced family doctor can often give good counsel, provided he does not have too many problems of his own! There are times when it may be wise to see a psychiatrist, especially if there are difficult problems to be solved. An expert can often see both sides and give the type of advice that will lead to better understanding.

 

The Price of a Happy Home

Remember, a happy home is always worth all that it may cost. A good understanding between the husband and wife are essential to true happiness. This should start from the day of the wedding ceremony and continue through life.

A wedding is just like an architect’s plans for the building of a house. On paper the picture may be all frills and finery with the intended occupants feeling happy over the prospects for the future. But it always takes time to lay a good foundation and to build the house. In the same way it also takes time to build a happy and successful marriage, so don’t be impatient if events do not always go according to your liking. Talk over your problems kindly with a genuine understanding for the other person’s point of view. Don’t be discouraged. Learn to make the necessary adjustments in life, for a happy marriage is well worth all it may cost.

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