Lifestyle Choices

Roughly speaking, there are two kinds of dates, at least from a boy’s point of view. In one he feels drawn to a girl primarily by her physical attractiveness (which includes a certain seductiveness of personality) and will go as far as he has the boldness to try or as the girl will permit. In the other he is attracted by a girl’s whole personality, including her physical appeal, and wants to know her better; somewhere in the front or back of his mind is the thought that this might possibly turn out to be the exciting relationship of his life.

In a girl’s feelings also there are the two kinds of dates. But there is lots of evidence that a girl doesn’t distinguish so sharply and calculatingly as a boy; she tends to hope that any kind of dating relationship will turn into true love.

In a logical sense there should be no need, during the first few dates between a boy and girl who feel drawn together primarily by a liking for each other, for the boy to attempt any physical advances; their main pleasure should be in getting to know each other better, talking about tastes and opinions. The fact is, though, that most boys and men not only have the desire, but on a date with a new girl feel an obligation to try, so that if she is expecting this she won’t find them too timid. This will be particularly true of a teenager who has not gained much experience or assurance yet in getting along with girls.

In his first few dates with a girl, before it is really clear what the relationship is to be, he will surely feel a combination of urges, even if he doesn’t succeed in making the slightest move. (The word ‘advances‘ as I use it may mean anything from hand-holding to kissing and embracing to fondling ) There is the simple, instinctual, physical desire to make some sort of contact and, if that is achieved, to try constantly to make further progress in physical intimacy. There is a gnawing curiosity in the inexperienced person to find out what sexuality consists of in all its forms. The most compelling drive of all, in the adolescent boy, is to prove his virility and masterfulness—to himself and to the girl. I don’t mean that he has to go far to prove himself at first. Just to have arranged the date or to have succeeded in holding hands may seem great triumphs. But how to prove himself to the girl is a more baffling, haunting question.

Though a boy usually takes the initiative—or assumes that he should—actually it is the girl who, sooner or later, has to indicate to him what she considers appropriate or satisfactory. For example, by showing in a clear but friendly way, in response to the boy’s cautious advances, that she is happy to let him put his arm around her waist but that she does not want to let him kiss her (at this stage, anyway), she not only keeps the intimacy at the level which seems right to her, but also reassures the boy that his virility has been entirely adequate to the occasion—that he would only prove himself an oaf by trying to go further. With this reassurance he can then do his part in carrying on a conversation about other topics and in making progress in companionship.

I’ve made it sound here as if only the boy was in a turmoil and as if the girl was as cool as a cucumber. This isn’t true, of course. She has her own desires, her own curiosity about sex and love, her own deep need to be proved attractive and lovable, all of which are particularly insistent in the early teens, before she has learned from experience that she has what it takes. So it is difficult for her to say no in the `clear but friendly way’ I mentioned. If she is not clear, if she is hesitant, the boy will realise this and will feel that he is expected to be more bold and persistent. I said ‘friendly’ because it isn’t necessary in most cases for the girl to act shocked or indignant or angry. Most boys, in dating, are sensitively attuned to the girl’s attitude and will respond promptly when she makes her feelings clear. If you reproach a boy too sternly, you may make him feel more guilty than he justly needs to be. However, a girl may have to be severe if she finds that she is up against an insensitive, selfish person who understands nothing less.

One girl may act indignant because she is inexperienced and has really been taken by surprise by a boy’s advances. Another girl may act indignant if she was too primly brought up to be able to admit her own sexuality and must pretend that sex is a repulsive thing which crops up only in certain males. This was a very common reaction in the Victorian age, but it is uncommon today.

The experienced girl or woman who is comfortable with her own feelings and who has learned how easy it is to control the advances of nine out of ten males feels no need to get angry at the person whose advances she doesn’t welcome or to make him ashamed. She lets him down graciously by murmuring, for example, ‘I’m sorry’, as if it were her fault that a misunderstanding had occurred, or by promptly laying a restraining hand on his and putting it back in his territory.

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