Lifestyle Choices

There are two sorts of crisis: there is the personal one, such as the loss of a job or of a loved one by death or divorce, or the communal one, such as a motorway threat to a village, or a war. But there always seems to be some sort of crisis.

When personal disaster strikes, you probably need sympathy and practical help; but there is a distinct possibility (especially if everyone else is also swimming for the lifeboats) that the only person who is always interested in you, and able to provide you with sustained help is … YOURSELF.

Don’t think ’somebody ought to do something about it’ or `the government should see to it’. Start thinking in terms of self-reliance. What you can do and what you can’t do — that may be all you can count on. Whatever your crisis, force yourself to look cheerful. Shakespeare said: ‘ There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so’, and Napoleon added that `the moral is to material as three to one’. I would also say that the quickest face lift is a smile. Go on — try it, just for today SMILE and try to find something good instead of something bad in every new situation.

Look on the bright side, because there always is a bright side, however minor. If your husband disappears, at least you won’t ever again have to watch Match of the Day.

Face your crisis and don’t hide your head in the sand, ostrich-wise. Don’t cross your fingers and hope for the best. Face what it is here and prepare for what might be coming.

Be constructively selfish. Think of yourself first. If you’re not healthy and functioning efficiently, you can’t look after your family or do your job. Ignore accusations of selfishness, egotism or ruthlessness from those who resent that you won’t do what they (selfishly) want you to do. The need for self-preservation forces everyone to be selfish.

• Don’t hope to change anyone or their attitudes: it will probably be an exhausting waste of time.

• Don’t hate anyone: It’s a destructive waste of energy. Try to ignore that person and try to make sure that you are no longer vulnerable to him or her.

• Recognize your practical and emotional limitations. If you can’t control your temper, look for ways to avoid losing it. Don’t allow yourself to be tempted or bullied into any emotionally upsetting situations which you can avoid.

• Don’t hope. Hope is dangerous if it is over-optimistic, and can stop you viewing your situation realistically.

• Try not to worry. It can’t do any good and it’s often only a habit. (` Your mother’s a worrier.’)

• Don’t go on about it. People may get bored or embarrassed. So keep it to yourself.

• Don’t be self-pitying. You don’t need pity; you need clear thought and action.

• `Thought must be the harder; the heart the keener.
• Courage must be greater as our strength grows less.’

Afighting Anglo-Saxon chieftain said that; whoever he was, he sounds like a survivor.

Make allowances for your weaknesses: It’s unrealistic to give up smoking to save money now, if that’s the only thing that takes your mind off your problem. Just make sure you don’t start smoking more.

Count your friends: Whatever your crisis, it is important to realize that it has happened before. Trust your true friends to understand and sympathize, although it may not be within their power to help in practical matters. Don’t mind asking for simple practical help when it is needed. At the worst, they can only say no. Some people in this world are selfish, but it helps most people to give help when it’s in their power. Those who have been through hard times are glad to pay back the help they’ve had from others. This is the way the help chain works.

Don’t ask too much of your rights. The less you rely upon them the less you risk disappointment — when a few pounds takes months to come through or someone else’s inefficiency negates your claim.

Count your resources. Your money, time, talent, possessions and family help. Write them down in a list. Mine started with `mother’ and ended with `continental quilt’. I looked at this long list (there were other things in between) and thought `How dare you feel sorry for yourself?’

Get expert advice: A survivor must be practical. Assess your immediate problems, write them down and seek objective advice to clarify your situation. No one can think clearly when disaster strikes. You might need to visit a specialist, solicitor or accountant.

You must also realize that youmight be in a state of shock, which is a physical illness. Don’t hesitate to go to a doctor if you have any unusual symptoms and be sure to tell him the whole problem, not just the physical symptoms. Again, don’t be proud or ashamed, or feel that you are wasting his time. He’s heard it all a million times before and your problems will obviously be treated as confidential. To pride yourself on not going to the doctor or to think you are making a fuss, might harm you and might impair your efficiency for dealing with your crisis.

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