Lifestyle Choices

To some extent the angry liberationists are right. We as women have been raised to believe that we are dependent, selfless, sweet and passive creatures. The cultural roles handed down to us from generation to generation demand the needs of others. By learning to conform to these feminine roles, although we may not be consciously aware of it we suppress natural qualities within us that don’t fit into the notion we have of “feminine”—such things as physical strength, independence, pride, and anger. For in our culture these qualities are traditionally labeled “male,” although, in truth, both male and female qualities exist in all of us and need to work together if we are to use our potential and are to express our wholeness and individuality as a human being of whatever sex.

As women we have developed the qualities allowed us to an extreme: we have enormous capacity to nurture, to be receptive, to empathize, and to be dependent. By nurturing I mean caring for the physical and emotional needs of others—supporting life. It is an enormously valuable trait, but the exaggerated degree to which we have developed it means that we remain to a large degree dependent on men to do and to make. By being receptive, I mean our ability to lean back passively and adjust ourselves to whatever comes. This is valuable, but it has to some extent deprived us of the ability to act when we want to. We should be able to choose. By empathizing, I mean the ability to identify emotionally with others and to be sensitive to what happens to them—another gift of primary importance, so long as we are able to maintain a sense of separateness and self along with it. Finally, by dependence I mean that we have learned the ability to trust and rely on somebody else. But there are two types of dependency—that which exists because one is weak and has to depend onanother and that which is chosen out of strength, chosen because intimate relations are mutually dependent relationships; that’s the way we want them to be.

I believe the extent to which we have developed our nurturing, receptive, empathizing, and dependent roles often stifles us. We as women tend to feel too passive, even though sometimes this is masked by the liberated assertiveness common to successful women. We have tended to consider ourselves helpless and to need and expect men to do things for us. We have been trained to hand over our power to men. In return we nurture the unspoken demand that someday we will find Prince Charming, the man who will bring us to life, shape us, and affirm our existence —our self. Except that, alas, somehow he never comes—or if he does come, he is never quite right, never quite everything that we feel he should be, and so once again that feeling of emptiness arrives.

A great deal of anguish in relationships, many unhappy marriages, and much disillusionment on both sides can be avoided if a woman finds ways of helping herself reclaim the human qualities traditionally considered male and integrates them together with her female capacities. For the more a woman comes to feel herself a separate and independent person capable not only of nurturing, receiving, empathizing, and being depended on, but also of acting, doing, making, creating, directing, and being physically strong, the greater is her capacity to share herself openly and freely with a man—or with her woman friends as well, for that matter—and the more alive, exciting, and fulfilling her relations become.

Because the “male” qualities are a part of every woman, they too have to be actualized for her person to become whole. Just as much, it is important that every man be capable of acknowledging his tender, receptive, nurturing, and caring impulses without feeling he is somehow emasculating himself. I do not know what possible tools there may be for helping to bring this about for men. I do know that heading into the wilderness, either in an organized group with a professional leader or with a friend, can be a big step toward freeing a woman’s hidden potentials, which otherwise lie stifled behind her cultural roles. This is why I believe that taking up an outdoor activity such as climbing, canoeing, sailing, or cross-country skiing, in which one is committed to being in the wilderness for a day or two (or better still a week or two), is so important. And the more those hidden potentials are released, the more fun she will have and the richer and more creative her life will become.

Rock climbing, mountaineering, and caving may seem like activities that require special skills and extraordinary strength, but it is not so. Anyone who is reasonably fit can take them up. If you have no previous experience, it is usually best in the beginning to go on a course. There are many available, they are not expensive, and they have the advantage of supplying you with the equipment (from climbing boots to canoes) needed for the activities.

The Outward Bound movement started in Britain in 1940 with an aim to provide a range of outdoor activities like rock climbing, sailing and skiing and canoeing for young people. Participants were sent into the open air in situations that demanded learning physical skills and called forth the character to carry them out even in the face of danger or whatever odds the elements could throw up. Not only did they learn these new skills which helped to strengthen and develop bodies, in the process they acquired self-confidence and a sense_s of self-reliance which went far beyond their ability to climb a rock or jump off a cliff into a cave—a self-confidence which could be carried back to their life situations. So successful was the Outward Bound idea with young people that soon the very same principles were being applied to adults. Now there are courses for men and women of all age groups which stretch you beyond your usual limitations and give you an opportunity to have an enormous amount of fun, and get fitter in the process.

Whether or not you decide to put yourself through the paces of an organized Outward Bound course or simply to take up on your own an outdoor activity such as sailing or climbing, you’ll never know how much it can do for you all over until you try it. The exercise you’ll get is invaluable for toning muscles, improving skin, and bringing you a new sense of vitality whatever your age. Fresh country air and pure water can revitalize you and, equally important, can take you away from your everyday problems which, building up on top of you, cause stress and nervous tension. Instead you find yourself faced with totally different, unknown and unforeseen tasks to solve. On a course, the itinerary is usually full and you are kept on the go the whole time—mentally with discussion groups and physically with outdoor activities. On some courses, for one full day and night you have twenty-four hours of total solitude; this part of a course is called “solo.” Hours to think and to contemplate, to fend for yourself, set up camp, and learn to live with silence. For some people it is frightening but for most it is a unique and valuable experience, an adventure in living both inwardly (for solitude is a rare commodity in the world in which we live) and outwardly in relation to the land around you.

There is no competition involved in outdoor pursuits, as there is in most sports. You are never given marks on how well you do, for the only thing you are working against is yourself—bettering previous attempts, becoming more skilled, gaining more confidence in your judgment and yourself. This alone is what matters, and there is virtually nothing beyond your grasp.

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