Lifestyle Choices

Disguised depression

Living with someone who is depressed can be an exasperating and difficult experience. If you are honest and tell the depressed person how exasperating he is, he agrees with you, feels confirmed in his negative view of himself and gets even more depressed, which makes you even more exasperated. It seems there is nothing you can do to help and that everything you do is wrong. What to do depends, to some extent, on thelevel of depression.

Sometimes depression is completely denied. The first sign of disguised depression may be resigning from a job for no very good reason, drinking more alcohol, or feeling physical pain— perhaps an old injury or ache getting worse. If you suspect something is wrong with your partner or friend, try to get him to talk. In his desire not to drag you down or not to admit to himself how bad he feels, he may try to talk on the bright side. It may be helpful to ask, “But in your darkest moments what are your worst fears or your worst thoughts?” This way you may learn the reality ofthe situation.

Mild depression

At this level (loss of sparkle to light grey), it is usually possible to make contact. Here are some possible suggestions:

• Encourage him to talk about what is really bothering him. Be sympathetic to him and his expression of his problem, and try to understand his perspective.
• React to perpetual sulking and self-pity as you will. If it makes you angry, be angry. If he reacts by withdrawing more, demand a reaction. If you succeed, you will feel better, and he will feel better from having reacted, even out of provocation. He may not like your angry attitude, but if you are acting out of care the final result is often positive. If he is too depressed to respond, don’t worry; it may be a relief for you to express yourself and for him to hear the truth (which he knows anyway). However, don’t get repeatedly angry if there is no response. You also need to express your own feelings outside the situation.

• Ask yourself, without any self-blame, if there is anything you have done or are doing which encourages the depression. In a struggle for power, the loser may become depressed. If one partner in a relationship is subordinate, he or she may well become depressed. If your partner is depressed you may derive a feeling of strength from looking after your dependent. In any situation such as this, your honest awareness can be the first step towards changing your position.

• Beware of the enormous power of the depressed person. It is easy to get manipulated by somebody else’s weakness and to start doing things for them which encourages their dependence and passivity. It may be very difficult to differentiate this from genuine need and it may be helpful to talk to somebody else to clarify when to take over and when to insist that the “victim” takes action.
• Do everything you can to keep him active. For instance, insist he goes out or takes exercise. Be firm but caring.
• If he has depressive thoughts such as “I have never enjoyed life”, feed back the truth unremittingly. Remind him of a time when he did enjoy something, even if it was only for a moment. As soon as he has admitted it, say with relish: “Therefore you do have the capacity to experience enjoyment and pleasure.”

Use the tiniest upswing in mood not only as a herald of hope but as a time for him to be most active so that the hope can produce a result. The smallest result (an extra length swum in the swimming pool or a letter written, perhaps) can be built on.

• Spend time away from the depressive situation, so that you can rejuvenate yourself. Talk to your friends. Express your frustrations. Talk to a social worker or a counsellor about the best ways to handle the situation. Give yourself regular times off so you can go out and have a good time.
• Whatever happens, keep your sense of humour.

More Severe depression (darker, grey, black, white)

Whereas mild depression is often helped by more human contact, severe depression is usually aggravated by intimacy. It may be important to try to make contact because you may succeed, and if you don’t, you at least know that you have done as much as you can on that level. Make sure the depressed person sees someone soon. If he is reluctant to see his doctor, tell him you are going to take him. He will probably be relieved, but if he refuses (which is very unlikely in his passive state) and you are worried about him, you can always get his doctor to visit. Don’t forget that sooner or later he will get better.

Threatened Suicide

If suicide is being threatened in order to manipulate you into taking some kind of action, or to punish you for an action already taken:

• Make sure the threatener understands that it is his responsibility as to what he does with his life.
• Make sure that he also understands that you don’t want him to do it (but you will not sell your soul to stop him).
• Ask him what is really wrong, or tell him if you know. If he is willing to admit that he wants to hurt you, he almost certainly will not need to act it out.
• Get him to see a doctor, counsellor or psychotherapist.

Suicidal Intent

When a depressed person is suicidal, even with no threat, the result is unpredictable. Get him to talk about it, which will diffuse some of the tension and give you more warning if thoughts turn into intent. When there is suicidal intent:

• Get him to hold on. At least there is hope of hope.
• Hide all dangerous drugs.
• Get him to see his doctor straight away.

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• Physical Factors in old Age
• Health Care, When you are depressed, what actions should be avoided?
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• Complementary Alterna Medicine (CAM)
• Brain Amines: Lithium
• Risks for Depression
• Anti-anxiety Drugs
• Avoiding Anger