Lifestyle Choices

For most people, however, repression is less necessary than is often taught. It is nearly always possible to find ways of expressing feelings which can create more contact and understanding, or which at least are not destructive. Some of these ways are mentioned in the self-help section (see Express the feeling, page 122). The following section explores the area between holding back entirely which is likely to make you depressed, and letting go indiscriminately which is likely to have repercussions beyond your desired result.

Containing feelings

Expression or repression are not the only two alternatives. It is also possible to contain feeling so that it is not expressed, yet not avoided, but remains simmering below the surface. Repression involves making the feeling unconscious by a process of diminishing body energy and feeling, whereas containment involves no deadening of feeling but a “movement” of feeling within. Containment is not related to depression.

Directing feelings

Find a way of expressing your feeling and thought that takes the other person into account, not so that you lose your integrity, but so that your expression can also get through to the other person. This is an art, which may take you years to develop with finesse. Yet paradoxically, you cannot afford to be too careful — sometimes you need to “explode” and sometimes only an extreme reaction will get through to another. The care must be in directing the feeling effectively, not in stopping it out of too much consideration.

Expression of feeling, even violence, can be directed positively. When Mrs. B threw the plates to miss her husband, her anger was clearly not indiscriminate. First of all, she waited for the right moment by containing the feeling without killing it. Secondly, the anger was specifically directed not to hurt her husband but to make her point with a little emphasis. The final result was more, rather than less, contact and the glimmer of a possibility of revitalizing a dead marriage. But before you pick up a pile of plates, every person, situation, moment and appropriate expression is different. Perhaps the most important thing about Mrs. B was that her underlying intent was loving rather than hurtful (though her husband might have found this difficult to realize with a plate flying towards him). She protected herself from depression and spite, and she tried to protect her marriage from distance, coldness and hate.

However, directing the expression of feelings in the most positive direction takes practice, experience, and wisdom. If you really cannot direct it, you may be better to wait. On the other hand, practice will be effective only if you are prepared to make a fool of yourself and make mistakes. Sometimes holding back is wise — but depression is usually worse than making a mistake.

Friendly and “political” situations

Make a division between a friendly and a “political” situation. With a good friend with whom your main motive is to make good contact, you can go too far, make a mistake and look a fool without losing your friendship. In a political situation (for instance, in most situations at work) your motives for expression of yourself are often to create an efficient effect. If you are to avoid the loss of sparkle that follows depressing your response, you will require creativity to maintain your position and at the same time keep your spirit alive. A woman was in a situation at work where her own excellent and new ideas had been taken over and used by a colleague without acknowledgment. She could:

A Do nothing and feel bad.

B Throw a tantrum.

C Tell her colleague that she wished her idea to be acknowledged (and to say this with some aggressive force in her eyes, posture, tone of voice and choice of words).

She chose C but her colleague side-stepped the issue by saying “Of course I will tell them it was your idea if they ask me.” In this statement he affected innocence and threw a disguised punch at the same time. He would tell them “It was your idea“, as if such a concern with whose idea it was was really beneath a “better” person’s consideration. Her answer to this dilemma was to enter the room at the time when her colleague was demonstrating the idea to his superiors, and to say: “Oh, you used my suggestion — it’s worked out very well!” Thus she kept her position and her spirit, and rightfully won the battle.

Avoiding blame

Creative expression excludes blame. Self-blame is inverted pride and twists emotional communication. Blame of the other simply makes the other defensive, according to the dictum: I f you attack you provoke defensiveness; if you defend you provoke attack. A battle of attack and defend then takes over from communication.

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